Embrace the Confusion?

I used to try to find meaning in things that happened – like maybe there was an unseen hand at work and whatever happened was for a reason. But I realized the other day that I haven’t done that in a while. I don’t think I want to look too closely at anything right now. It’s like when you almost get into a car accident that you just know you wouldn’t have survived, and you go over it and over it in your mind. Then, when you’ve exhausted all possible outcomes, you come to the conclusion that obviously it wasn’t your time. Anymore, all I can think of doing is saying, what was that for? What was the point of that? Or more simply…why? All I know is I haven’t been able to come up with any answers and I’m tired of looking.

When everything is taken from you, how should you feel? What should you do? Is it time to reflect on how you view life? Is it time to re-evaluate your approach? Are there stages you go through, as in stages of grief? I’ve been watching the devastation on television from the tornadoes in the mid-west. Those folks lost everything. And yet, the resiliency of the human spirit prevails. The communities affected will come together and rebuild. They always do.

I had a conversation with a friend today about what’s going on in our lives. His son is in prison for something he didn’t do. I remember how helpless he and his wife felt at the time..still do, in fact. He said that he doesn’t care about anything anymore..not his business, nothing. Because running the business was all about what he could leave for his son. And his son will be in prison for 25 years. So in four years, he wants to retire at 62 and maybe then try to deal with his broken heart. 

His wife found a pastor who seems to say what they need to hear in the way they need to hear it. He’s helped immeasurably with their frustration and grief. And fear. Fear catches up with a person when one least expects it. It hides and then bursts out when calm needs to prevail. The last couple of years have been impossible for them. All the plans they had..gone. Life has changed forever and nothing will ever be the same again. 

It’s that sameness that we depend on, I think. Although we expect there to be some amount of upheaval in our lives, we do better when things are calm.The upheaval so many are experiencing right now seems more extreme than normal. People have lost their jobs, their homes, and their dignity. Children aren’t safe at school. The upheaval is permanent. It’s not a moment in time that will subside. We anticipate a certain progression to life and for many of us life isn’t exactly going as we thought it would. 

The upheaval gives way to confusion. It’s hard to know which way to turn because you’re afraid of making things worse. My friend hired an attorney for his son who was supposed to be the best, but who turned out to be worthless. Would a public defender have been better? Would that person have provided his son with a better defense? When we received the letter that our commercial lease had been terminated, we were immediately in shock. We just stood there, knowing that our lives were about to become extremely unpleasant. We’d done nothing wrong to deserve this. We also knew that we didn’t have enough money to both move our business to a new location and be able to make it through next winter when work would be scarce. Our motorcycle shop was seasonal in nature due to its location and we made our bank for the winter during the summer riding season. In view of our still depressed economy, it seemed likely that making it through next winter would be tough. So there we were. We rented space at a storage facility, and then bought a 40 foot container that we had delivered to our house. We’re in the process of moving everything home now. Another friend said, now that you’ve had time to relax… Relax. Really? Technically we’re still moving. Which we’ve been doing since the end of April.

As my friend and I both agreed, as much as we try to control the outcome, we’re in control of nothing. We feel essentially adrift. What used to matter doesn’t really exist anymore. Everything ended up being temporary. But then, maybe it always was. Maybe the key is to not get too heavily invested in any sort of outcome. Or maybe it’s not to get distracted by bumps in the road. Either way, we each move about more carefully now. Life has become far too surreal not to.

His Holiness, the Dalai Lama says that the best way to be at peace is to help others. Our friends, who have every reason to hate the world and everyone in it for what happened to their son, have gone above and beyond to help us through this extraordinarily difficult time. We cherish them. And when it’s all said and done, that’s what I’ll remember, and in turn, do for someone else.