Passive Aggression from an Empath’s Perspective, or Why it Pays to Not Get Involved

It’s a really common trait, passive aggression. We’ve all expressed ourselves this way at least once in our lives. For those who simply live that way, manipulation, minor or otherwise, is typically in play most of the time, expressed either aggressively or passively. Both are equally deceptive, but the passive side feels particularly uncomfortable to me. It’s almost easier to deal with pushy or even volatile individuals because even with their outbursts, at least you see what they’re doing. Passive folks are another thing entirely. With them, you feel pulled in, at times, overwhelmingly so.

I’ve experienced my fair share of passive aggressive people, and I’ve been thinking about why I feel so unsettled around them. It doesn’t seem to matter if I’m directly involved with them, or just in their general vicinity. When they swing from one side to the other, it can become confusing because when they get to the midpoint of that swing, their energy feels normal. It flows easily, and interaction is beneficial and positive. Past a certain point on either side of that, however, and I don’t know them anymore. It’s like, where did they go? I know them in the middle, where their energy is more balanced and aligned. If only I could grab them before they pass by..keep them a while in the more peaceful state of now instead of watching helplessly as they focus their energy into time.

It feels like they’re only whole when balanced. It’s then that they come into focus for me. And that makes a certain kind of sense because if you have too much projective (aggressive) or receptive (passive) energy, then you’re really only operating from that perspective. And perspective is what’s key. It’s subjective, and the energy, regardless if it’s push or pull, seems to ratchet up at either extreme, almost as if the intensity of each extreme is required to balance the other in an effort to find the alignment we all so desperately seek. Until alignment is achieved, their energy feels foggy, therefore, illusory and not to be trusted. Its resonance is heavy and dense and very uncomfortable.

Instead of allowing and practicing nonresistance to achieve alignment, the passive aggressive individual controls others by various levels of manipulation, some of which they may be unaware of, or at least they’ve convinced themselves of that. The aggressive expression is more visible, and therefore it’s easy to understand the energy dynamic. I still end up feeling, well, what was the point of all that, after dealing with a passive aggressive individual. Conflict resolution, no matter how insignificant, is difficult without the passive aggressive individual feeling as if they’ve been ripped off or disparaged somehow by the outcome. They become so committed to their control of the outcome that the momentum or flow of energy coming off of them feels overwhelming and exhausting.

Evidently I’ve gotten to the point in my life where I’d rather not be around them, in lieu of trying to shield while engaging with them. It feels like a no win situation, or an exercise in futility. Any attempts at reason fall on deaf ears or fly right out the window. The commitment to whichever side they’re on that moment is so strong that they can’t see anything but achieving what they want. They never understand that they don’t have to work that hard. Align, and everything flows to and from you. Swing into one area or another and you’re only a piece of your normally balanced and aligned self. At least it feels that way to me because there’s nothing balanced about the person. Moving into their energy is impossible because it feels too sticky. And the last place I want to be is in that kind of energy. It feels awful.

It’s chaos, really. And it must feel that way to the individual as well, but probably not until they are closer to the midpoint while swinging back in the other direction. Their focus is too strong at the extreme to allow for any awareness of self to creep in. On the passive side of the equation, the individual will use sympathy, tears, inappropriate behavior, all sorts of behind the scenes subterfuge to control the situation. They often leave others with the distinct impression that they were just played, but can’t yet put their finger on how, let alone why. Their method of control is insidious and they seem to always have an excuse for whatever trouble they cause. Either they didn’t know, or they didn’t mean to, but regardless of the excuse, they never have to be responsible for anything they do because even when presenting facts or proof, it seems to roll right off them.

And that brings me to probably the most frustrating part of the passive side of passive aggression. The why of it. It’s all self defeating, and I fail to understand why it happens in the first place. It’s dishonest and undermines any relationship. And it’s rampant. Probably over half of the people I know suffer from this. And they really do suffer. Their lives are complicated and full of drama that they never understand begins with them. Due to their lack of balance, they can’t see how distorted their viewpoints become. Balanced, they’re decent people and typically a lot of fun to be around. When they’re not, it’s hard to know just who they are.

Experiencing their energy swings feels wave-like. Those who settle on one side or the other are more predictable, but they’re just as volatile as those that cycle back and forth. All the push energy from the aggressive folks feels heavy, yet explosive. Passive folks pull you in with their energy. It too feels heavy, but it hovers in place, swirling and dark. I feel claustrophobic around passive folks, as if their energy is smothering me. At least the more projective, aggressive energy moves. With aggressive folks, I just remind myself that I used to teach karate, and then keep a leg and a half’s distance from them. Or more.

Either way, it’s essential that any empath or highly sensitive person hold their own resonance when around passive aggressive folks and not join with them in their expression of the moment. We can’t help them there. In my case, sometimes it means not engaging with them at all. It’s not a judgment, it’s a comfort level I need to stay aligned myself. Even being the observer is too risky sometimes. I used to feel compelled to blend with their energy in an effort to soften it so that they might feel safe enough to settle more in the middle. Unfortunately, that doesn’t protect me, and I end up feeling completely drained, while they feel awesome. So, I don’t do that anymore. Now I either hold my own resonance in alignment or I leave the situation if I can’t do that.

I seem to be doing a lot of leaving of situations lately. I think we hang around dysfunction too long, putting up with uncomfortable situations out of a sense of duty to others. Life instantly becomes less complicated and more peaceful when you live in the now instead of in time. They’re mutually exclusive and the more we try to think they’re not, the more chaos ensues. And life’s complicated enough. Besides, I’d rather garden.

~Blessed be alignment with Source and the clarity that brings. But most of all, Blessed be our collective journey together!