On the day before Mother’s Day..

I’m always uncomfortable around this time of the year. My mother used to say Mother’s Day was “just another day”. I would cringe because I knew it was more about her behavior as my mother than mine as her daughter. I always bought her a present and tried to make her happy. Unfortunately, I was trying to connect with someone who found nurturing challenging. Even when my parents divorced, she wasn’t happy on that day. She died in 1996. Her birthday was two days ago. Had she lived, she would have turned 84. 

When the boys were young, we made a  big deal out of Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. Their Dad would take them to the store and buy flowers to plant on Mother’s Day and we’d have a nice lunch or dinner. Father’s Day was typically a barbeque or something. We never had the money to go anywhere, so we celebrated at home. Just being together as a family seemed enough. Our birth families were so dysfunctional that I suppose we tried to create a family of our own…without any of the drama we both grew up with.

But then college happened and everything changed. And now I find myself, the day before Mother’s Day, hearing my mother’s voice echoing in my heart. It’s just another day. Because that’s what it feels like. A mountain range separates us now, but the road goes both ways. The effort should as well.

The last year has been one of total transition for us. We received an eviction notice from our landlord at the commercial space we were renting after complaining to the city that the guy in back was poisoning us with styrene fumes (which is against city code as well as against all decency). After almost 14 years in business, we had to close because we couldn’t financially survive the move. Our business was seasonal and we typically had to make 5 months of income last for 12 and we were coming out of winter on the previous year’s money, so there was no time to move and bank what we needed for the following winter. Signing a year lease with someone didn’t seem responsible, so we reluctantly closed our business and retired..about five years sooner than we intended to. By the time Mother’s Day arrived, we were completely out of there and back home. We didn’t celebrate that day..the loss was just too staggering.

Although we’ve certainly accepted what’s happened, and are actually much happier than we were while in that business, it’s definitely been a transition for us. It would have been nice to have our boys close by, but it is what it is. Kids grow up and move away. They’re both busy in their lives and both have new jobs which is very cool, and we couldn’t be more proud of them. And the last thing they need to worry about is their parents. But then Mother’s Day arrives, followed by Father’s Day and when we don’t see them, feelings of loss abound. 

Here’s the thing that kids need to know when they become adults. Your parents still need you in their lives. Yes, it’s different when you’re an adult. It’s not like you end your relationship with your parents when you become adults. You begin a new one. One of reciprocity. And then, when we become old and decrepit, it becomes more one-sided again..with you guys in the driver’s seat. It’s the circle of life. It’s how it’s supposed to work.

For women, life is one continuing transition, from childhood through adulthood. In Wicca, it’s represented by the Triple Goddess, or Maiden, Mother and Crone. It’s a confusing process, for sure. We’re conflicted as to our roles and how they play out. Society doesn’t help by trying to oppress and judge us at every turn. When we reach our Crone years, as I have, we see more clearly the circle of life played out in front of us. We have become wise women. How can we not be after living through all that we have? We know that family is the nucleus of everything, and connection is vital. 

In truth, Mother’s Day should celebrate the nurturer in us all, and offer an opportunity to extend love and gratitude to everyone in our lives. That’s our purpose here, particularly now as the old era is giving way to the new. The Divine Feminine exists in everyone. Compassion will replace oppression as we go forward together in oneness. Celebrating Mother’s Day as well as Father’s Day next month is another way to express to those who nurture us along in life that we love and appreciate them. And what’s better than that?

~Blessed Be