In Need of No Definition

This may be a rant. I won’t know until I’m finished. When others define us, we’re put in the position of either ignoring what they say, agreeing with them, or establishing how wrong they are. Labels and definitions ultimately give way to permission, as if any of us need another’s permission to be who we are. I certainly don’t.

Women give away so much of themselves throughout their lives. We put our partners and children first before we ever think of ourselves. We run on nervous energy, trying to be all things to all people. And if we also have a job, which most of us have because we can’t make ends meet if we don’t, we have to figure out a way to take care of our families while making our employers feel that they have our complete focus as well.

And then people have the audacity to suggest that women want to have it all. We don’t want it all. We just don’t want anyone or anything to fall through the cracks. We want to assume our responsibilities to the nth degree. It’s how a woman is built. It’s the Mother aspect of us, whether we have children or we don’t. It’s the nurturer in us that wants everyone and everything to be okay.

I was told one day by someone close to me that I can make my tinctures if I want, but being a Reiki Master was apparently a bridge too far for this person. As if I’m trying to pull the wool over someone’s eyes with Reiki. I don’t even charge for a session. I thought at the time, wow, what a narrow definition. I’ve earned a Black Belt. I’ve owned and managed two businesses, one a karate school. I facilitated my boys’ homeschooling. I’m a herbalist and beekeeper. It doesn’t typically occur to me that I can’t do something which sometimes gets me into trouble. My husband is an authority on that subject. Praise Goddess, he doesn’t have a blog.

It was irritating when I was growing up having to live up to other-imposed definitions of who I was supposed to be. I should be a teacher, my father would say. It’s a nice job for a woman. I could work while the kids were in school and I would be home with them in the summer. Smart-ass witch that I was, I would ask him why he assumed I would marry and have children. Needing to break free, I graduated high school at the end of my junior year and began college that summer while I was still sixteen, earning my Bachelor’s degree in Psychology at twenty. My parents were divorced by that time and that was that. 

After college, I married, had two kids, earned my Black Belt, taught karate, later returning to college to pursue additional education while homeschooling the boys. So a teacher of sorts I became, but on my own terms, functioning more as a facilitator with respect to the boys than an actual teacher. The lives of women don’t always turn out as expected. We learn early on to roll with the punches and to move around obstacles, always creating something new in the process.

And we do it while others try to limit our expression. It’s fine to succeed, but only if we’re acceptable and we have the permission of others to do so. And Goddess help us if we assert ourselves. And may she help us more if we don’t.

These days I try not to watch much election coverage. The standard to which Hillary Clinton is held is so much higher than the men in the race. But then that’s what happens. And I guess that’s what I’m so weary of. The fact that there’s so much that’s what happens in our lives. It’s become the norm to narrowly define women to suit someone else’s comfort level, when what they really need to do is get over themselves. Power is seductive and no one seems comfortable with women having any. And it’s not that women need to support other women simply for the sake of doing so. In fact, that’s just as bad as all the ridiculous patriarchal definitions of women that exist. It accomplishes nothing in the long run.

Maybe it’s because I’m in my Crone years that this nastiness directed at a woman only ten years my senior irritates me so. There but for the grace of Goddess and so forth. It’s ugly and beneath everyone who participates in it. It would be one thing if the comments were focused only on her work and qualifications, but they’re not. Many feel cheap and self-serving and I just can’t listen to them. And then Bernie suggested the other day that she’s not qualified. I live in Oregon. The bird was cool and a totally Oregon-esque thing to happen. I love Bernie. I’ve contributed to his campaign. But that was a stupid and pissy comment. And I won’t vote for him in our primary because of it. If he wins the nomination, then I’ll support him. But not until then.

Whether Hillary is our next president or not, she’s certainly more than qualified for the job. To suggest she’s not is asinine. How is she less qualified than Bernie? And what exactly does she have to do to rise to his definition of qualified? Although I’m a Democrat, my beliefs are more Socialist, so to have someone like Bernie in the race is a dream come true. His election could foster true progressive change with the right balance in Congress, assuming that would happen. But people are tired of what passes for conservative thinking these days and the time might be right. But he needs to win by rising above the fray, not stooping to asinine comments that have no basis in reality. I think it’s clear that both candidates are qualified. Now they need to focus on the issues and leave the asinine comments for the TV guy and his Canadian friend. Because I’m done with all things asinine and I vote.

So, define that. And yes, I guess this was a rant.