This Reasonable Woman’s Perspective

I’ve always considered myself to be a reasonable woman. It used to be that I could listen to surrogates for the conservative party and perhaps disagree with something they said. I might even vehemently disagree, but a few years ago, when all the rape and pregnancy comments started, I had the sense that we were about to circle the drain.

It reflects a mindset that translates into oppression of women. And it fosters a sense of entitlement among some men who believe they can treat women as they please. And I find it so odd when women support this behavior as a recent guest did on All In With Chris. I don’t understand any woman supporting a time limit on reporting sexual assault. You’d think there’d be a line women wouldn’t cross with each other. That we’d stand together in these situations. But that was apparently too much to ask of her.

From PoliticusUSA.com

On ‘All In with Chris Hayes’, Delgado said, “These allegations are decades old. If somebody actually did that, Chris, any reasonable woman would have come forward and said something at the time.”

Any reasonable woman. The Delgado in question is A.J. Delgado, a surrogate for the Trump campaign. She’s incorrect, of course, as any reasonable woman, or man for that matter, who has experienced inappropriate and unwanted contact from an asshole knows. Time limits shouldn’t apply in cases of sexual assault when fear prevents so many from even reporting. When the predator has unlimited resources at his disposal, the belief that nothing will happen wins out and the predator goes on like nothing happened, because in his mind, nothing did.

But here’s the thing. For those of us who have experienced these things in our lives, it’s hard to listen to the tapes and the allegations. It tends to foster abuse reactions in many of us. Watching Trump loom large behind Hillary in the last debate would have affected me more had it actually unsettled her, but it was clear that it didn’t. He followed her around, staring at her, his large presence invading her every move. But she demonstrated the calm resolve of a President and spoke to the American people and let Trump be Trump.

Sometimes it’s best to simply step back out of the way and let people reveal themselves. The GOP’s candidate cannot help himself and it was delightful to watch Hillary’s expression throughout the debate while her opponent prattled on and on, making a complete fool of himself. But for many survivors, watching his display was just too much.

For those who don’t understand what a survivor experiences, let me explain. If we know the predator is there, we may sense we’re not safe. Intense fear comes over us and we’re frozen in place, unable to move, let alone flee.

We cannot breathe, our voice absent. Even if we don’t sense he’s there, when he puts his hands on us, fear turns into panic and again, we cannot breathe. We cannot move. At some point, we might regain some control, but by then he’s on us, perhaps holding us so that we cannot escape, doing what he pleases.

When he’s finished, he turns and leaves and the survivor is left only with her survival, her dignity shattered, her basic right to say yes or no denied her. Even if it doesn’t result in rape, she’s broken just the same.

When a man decides to touch a woman without her consent he destroys something in her. Even when it’s unwelcome comments and not something physical, such as when guys talk about a woman’s body under the guise of a compliment, it’s so hard not to become enraged. It’s as if they’re doing us a favor or something. But in reality, it’s just creepy. And Goddess help us if we’re not grateful for the attention. Then we’re called bitches or worse.

I know firsthand how it feels to experience full on sexual assault as well as the type of intentional grabbing making headlines today. As with so many of my friends, grabby guys began accosting me in grade school. Back then, feminism was just beginning and many of the rights we now take for granted weren’t even in place yet. So no one took my own reporting seriously. Ever.

I remember after moving to Portland, I was walking in the park between my house and school with my younger brother when I saw one of the boys from my school following me. I knew I was in trouble the minute I saw him. He skulked about, eventually walking up behind me. With a big smile on his face, he put his arm around me. I grabbed my brother’s hat off of his head and hit the boy in the face. He actually had the temerity to look hurt as I screamed at him to leave me alone. He turned away and walked away, looking pathetic and wounded. I saw him the next day at school with some of his friends and they all laughed at me. I was in the sixth grade.

Although this was a relatively minor occurrence in the broader scheme of things, at eleven years old I was already a survivor, so it wasn’t minor to me. I was terrified to go anywhere after that. He was an entitled little shit and I was worthless in his own eleven year old eyes. And when these kind of boundary issues begin in childhood, what does that eleven year old boy look like now?

I turn 59 tomorrow. I don’t suffer from abuse reactions much anymore, but I have to say, some of this leaves me so uneasy. And it’s not only the comments from the candidate that are so destructive but the responses from others in Congress that are so troubling.

To think in 2016 we still have to remind people of the fact that it’s not okay to put your hands on anyone without their consent. To think that our children have to hear this crap on the evening news and then ask their parents what they’re talking about. That’s the most tragic part of all.

At some point, behavior like this should be an aberration, not the norm. And the last place we should see it is in a Presidential campaign.

 

References:

1.  Trump Advisor Says It’s Not Sexual Assault Unless The Victim Reports It Right Away