The Gaslighting of America
In the last few days, we’ve been inundated with revelations of alleged sexual assault regarding our male candidate running for President. Some women in the media are referring to the denigration by that man of his accusers as gaslighting. They seem to suggest that by virtue of his denial and denigration, he’s gaslighting these women. As an abuse survivor, I’m familiar with the term, having experienced it in my life. I guess I’ve never thought about it coming from the world stage as it were. Typically these things are kept between the people involved, or maybe law enforcement or attorneys if it gets that far.
My purpose for exploring this subject is not only to enlighten others about this disgusting and manipulative practice by abusers, but to also expand my own definition now that it’s reached such a public expression.
Also called crazy-making, abusers who gaslight their victims do so as a means of control. In the case of couples, married or not, the abuser makes the partner believe that he/she is losing their mind. Say the woman goes to the table where she left her keys, only to find them missing. She knows she put them there, but they’re gone now. She asks her husband and he feigns innocence. An hour later, she discovers them on the very table she left them. She looks at her husband (who had taken them and then replaced them when she wasn’t looking) who tells her they were there all along, possibly demeaning her in the process. Because this scenario happens frequently, she doubts her sanity, which is exactly where he wants her: off balance and vulnerable.
Maybe now having to look at the ugliness of abuse every time we turn on the news will make those who would typically not believe a woman’s story think twice about that choice. Because when we’re not believed, all hope leaves us. We never feel safe again. Ever. Even when the abuse is no longer happening. But that’s the nature of abuse. It destroys us at our very core.
Listening to all the things this man says about his accusers makes me physically ill. I have to limit my exposure to ward off any abuse reactions I might have. Although I’m doing remarkably well with my own understanding of what I experienced, just like so many other women who have experienced sexual assault or abuse in their lives, I never know when an abuse reaction will occur.
When he continually re-positioned himself behind Secretary Clinton during the second debate, I kept my eyes on her the entire time. I was aware of what he was doing, but I focused on her. She kept me level. I stayed safe in my thoughts because of her own control and determination. His actions were those of an abuser, no matter what he or anyone else says. He cannot behave this way and then expect any of us to believe otherwise.
I found the list below online at Psychology Today. It describes the behavior of someone who is being gaslighted. Even though it’s from 2009 and will no doubt need updating after the election, it’s telling.
How do you know if you are being gaslighted? If any of the following warning signs ring true, you may be dancing the Gaslight Tango. Take care of yourself by taking another look at your relationship, talking to a trusted friend; and, begin to think about changing the dynamic of your relationship . Here are the signs:
1. You are constantly second-guessing yourself
2. You ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” a dozen times a day.
3. You often feel confused and even crazy at work.
4. You’re always apologizing to your mother, father, boyfriend, boss.
5. You can’t understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren’t happier.
6. You frequently make excuses for your partner’s behavior to friends and family.
7. You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain or make excuses.
8. You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
9. You start lying to avoid the put downs and reality twists.
10. You have trouble making simple decisions.
11. You have the sense that you used to be a very different person – more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
12. You feel hopeless and joyless.
13. You feel as though you can’t do anything right.
14. You wonder if you are a “good enough” girlfriend/ wife/employee/ friend; daughter.
15. You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain or make excuses.¹
As anyone reading the above list can see, gaslighting someone results in self-doubt, loss of self-esteem and any of a number of issues. This level of manipulation on an ongoing basis destroys a woman’s soul. To do it publicly to these women is shameful. But then hearing the report that he walked in on teens in various stages of undress at one of his pageants should be enough for any of us.
This man simply cannot be our President. End the gaslighting of America. Please join me in voting for Hillary Clinton.
References:
- Are You Being Gaslighted? by Robin Stern, Ph.D.
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Thank you... Jan Erickson
