When Assumptions Made Seek To Control Both The Message And The Survivor

It didn’t happen because she didn’t tell.

The latest of the assumptions made by his surrogates is to suggest that sexual assault or harassment doesn’t happen if the survivor doesn’t tell. And yet, just this morning I listened to a report where a woman shared her own experience with this man saying that she told any number of friends and family members. She just didn’t talk about it with the media. As if any woman would be eager to deal with the inevitable backlash she’ll experience by reporting the actions of such a powerful man.

When assumptions are made, it suggests that women have participated in their abuse with why didn’t she report it if it was so bad at the forefront of their comments. A value judgment is made that suggests it didn’t happen at all. It ignores the terror we feel, the shame and disgust, reducing a complex and terrifying experience into he said, she said.

It didn’t happen because of her appearance.

He told the cheering crowd to look at her, at what she looks like. It couldn’t have happened, because just look at her. He wouldn’t give her the time of day. As if putting his hand up her skirt without consent is just fine and dandy. As if sexual assault is common for him. Does he target a certain type? A certain look? When he says these despicable things, is he sharing his playbook with the crowd? It’s entitlement at its worst.

It’s not sexual assault if no rape occurred.

So when a pedophile puts his hands on a child’s private parts, it’s not sexual assault? It’s fine? It doesn’t damage the child? When a predator stood up from his seat, leaned over grabbing my breast on the bus one morning on the way to class at the university I attended, that was okay? There was no penetration of my body, but my emotional balance was sure affected for months and my only transportation to school became a place of terror for me. Because you never know who a predator is going to grab. In my case, I was already a survivor of sexual assault. So he added to my torment. I should have gotten up and reported it to the bus driver, and then called the police, but he was gone as soon as it happened, and I was left shaking. At that point, all I wanted was to not be seen by anyone. Because if no one sees me, they can’t hurt me.

What do people want from us?

Do we have to beat the predator into submission before we’re believed? Do we have to swallow our fear, our terror, and kill him before we’re believed? If we do respond and he’s injured in any way or worse, will we be charged? Will it ever be seen as self-defense? Are we supposed to be stronger than our attacker so that we’re believed? Or will that be used against us as well?

Will women believe, after the display put on by this man, that reporting would ever be a viable option after witnessing all of this? After a recent report that one survivor feels the need to leave the country so that she and her family are safe from his supporters? What has this man done to all of us? He deludes himself into believing that anything he does will be well-received because of his status in life. He’s a billionaire, or so he claims, and as such, he can get away with anything. Listening to his accusers describe their experiences, along with his own taped comments, it appears that accosting women is his default behavior.

Again, what do people want from us? When I described above that I didn’t want to be seen by anyone after the incident on the bus, this is a common reaction among survivors. We experience shock and a deep trauma from such experiences. We move invisibly through life. I don’t want to be acknowledged anywhere. A former student from our karate school worked at a local grocery store and would call out to me in a loud voice every time he saw me. I would immediately go into panic mode, trying to disappear as soon as I heard his voice. He meant nothing but to be friendly, and I felt massive guilt at my response, but I was profoundly affected just the same, eventually no longer shopping at that store.

Sexual assault in any form, for many survivors, results in a profound sense of mistrust for everything and everyone that never ends. Therapy helps only so much, fear firmly in place for life. It’s that we’re not believed, or that we have to do so much to prove ourselves. Our justice system gives the accused the benefit of the doubt, but fails to extend the same to the victim. We shame her and make her feel that reporting isn’t worth the trouble.

But for anyone to assume we don’t tell is ridiculous. As a child, I told my mother, who did nothing, telling me instead to never mind. As an adolescent, a school counselor wanted to help, but I refused to let her, believing with all my heart that my father would kill us all if it came out. So she simply listened to me, giving me unlimited access to her whenever I felt the need. She was the only health professional I told until his death three years ago.

When the veterinarian filling in for the regular guy at my local animal clinic grabbed my hand in the exam room, drawing some sort of a design on my palm while discussing my cat, I was in such shock that I just stared at him. As soon as he let go, I took my cat and left, without a word and without her medication. While I was getting into the car, he walked out of the building with a sleazy smile on his face, and handed me the medication in a bag. Without a word, he turned and walked back, his sleazy, satisfied smile still on his face. I told my husband and friends and I never went back to that clinic.

I experienced various amounts of sexual harassment in the workplace in the last business my husband and I owned. When you’re the owner, harassment takes on a new dimension. If I said anything, the gossip would begin and we would lose business. Don’t go near her or she’ll accuse you of sexual harassment or worse. So I chose not to confront the men who harassed me, although I did report it to my husband. I also told a few other people about it. When our business closed, in spite of what that did to us financially, I breathed a sigh of relief because I didn’t have to see those men again.

One guy harassed me the last five times he came into our business, bringing in a friend one day to help him do so. I had to learn the difficult truth that men I thought would never speak that way to me were just as willing as the men who were always like that. They never cared that their comments were uncomfortable. They only wanted to have that sort of a conversation with me, out of earshot of my husband, away from their wives, believing their words acceptable and appropriate when they most certainly were not.

Describing a woman’s body to her under the guise of a compliment is pathetic. And if we call them out for what they’re doing, then we’re bitches or worse. As if any of them are doing us a favor by letting us know they’ve noticed how much weight we’ve lost, or what a lovely sweater we’re wearing, or how great those jeans look. Even our closest friend followed me into another room at the business one day, his voice low to nearly a whisper, talking about how great I looked in great detail. Our closest friend. All while my husband was in another part of the building and out of earshot. He violated the trust between us, ruining a long time relationship.

As a survivor, boundaries matter to me. Maybe more so than the average person, but they matter. When they’re crossed, life may never be the same again. Those of us who have experienced sexual assault sometimes don’t report it. Sometimes our fear and terror win out. But more often we do tell others, just not the authorities, shame and fear again driving that choice.

We cannot lose sight of what’s important.

We cannot lose sight of the fact that no one should ever fear these kind of advances or this type of assault. These transgressions of our bodies, our boundaries, our personal space destroys our ability to trust, our peace of mind only a distant memory. The man in question dismisses his accusers outright. His dismissal and subsequent attack was a given. We’ve seen and experienced it all before. His behavior on display for all the world to see.

Aren’t we tired of this disgusting nonsense? Haven’t we all had enough of the lies, the innuendo, the denigration of women and anyone else he sees fit to target? The women coming forward are doing us all a huge favor by getting in his way, by telling the truth about who he is. We must know this and stop him from taking control of our country. We must ignore all the assumptions made that demean and denigrate these women, these survivors of something they never should have experienced. We have to come out on November 8th in droves and stand up for our collective family. We cannot let this man become our President.

Please join me in voting for Hillary Clinton.