The Trouble With Manipulation

I’ve been thinking about manipulation lately. Mostly because I’ve been experiencing it for over a year now. I’m not cooperating with what someone wants because through years of experience with him, I know better than to have anything to do with him. So, in response, we’ve been experiencing some drama. But here’s the deal. No means no. It doesn’t mean, go ahead and do whatever it is you like. In fact, it actually means no. If you proceed after that, then whatever happens is on you. The details of this really don’t matter because it boils down to “same shit, different day”. And that’s where I find myself now. I said no, and he did what he did anyway. Expectations are a tricky deal. They’re rarely appropriate, sometimes offensive, and are often coupled with a sense of entitlement. And I’m always struck by the fact that reciprocity never seems to come into play either. Double standards rule the day.

I can understand inappropriate expectations from children, but not adults. The resulting manipulation is far easier to deal with when it’s kids. At least with kids, a teachable moment can happen. Adult men are another creature entirely.  The “honey”, “sweetie”, and other comments designed to get me to do what they want tend to be part of it. Guys never understand that women see through this crap. It’s so sickening to listen to it. And they always seem to get mad and retaliate when they don’t get what they want.  It’s funny, because if my husband calls me those things too often, then I know he wants something. And that’s never a position of strength for him. My mother used to call it “buttering you up”. It’s dishonest. I have an actual given name. And I’m more than capable of giving consideration to the needs of others. I do it all the time. All the time. But generally speaking, not if someone insults, slanders, or is verbally abusive to me or otherwise treats me like shit. Then you get nothing. At all. Ever. And forever is a really long time.

There’s rarely complete balance in a relationship. But there needs at least to be the potential for it. That’s where reciprocity comes into play. If a person isn’t willing to include that, then it is what it is. Eventually, nice people get tired of the drama and continually ending up on the short stick with someone. When people exaggerate or outright lie and involve others in that lie in order to control or manipulate others, then they lose all credibility. Folks don’t enjoy finding themselves in the middle of someone else’s drama and no one likes manipulation. Particularly when it puts them in potential legal jeopardy with someone innocent. Obviously, everyone involved in something like that will have to own their decisions and choices, but to get in hot water because someone involves you in their drama is just sad anyway you look at it. Expectations and the manipulation that results should fall along the wayside where they belong. Unfortunately for the individual in question, a little communication goes a long way. So does respect. He did none of that.

I don’t do free-for-alls well. I don’t like chaotic and unpredictable behavior. When the boys homeschooled, a book they read examined our justice system. The premise was that our judicial system was based upon two principles: Do all you say you will do; and, don’t encroach upon others. Seriously, if everyone lived their lives by those two principles, the world would be a very different place. It’s fine to need something from someone as long as you are respectful about it. When you’re not, don’t be surprised if nothing goes your way. And everyone has the right to decide what they will or won’t do. You may not like someone’s decision, but that’s the way it goes. Adults understand this concept. And although the individual I’m dealing with is chronologically an adult, he has trouble behaving as one. He has only himself to blame for all of this.

Drama gets old. And when you get to my age, you don’t want to experience it any more than you have to. It’s tough to watch an old man behaving childishly. Focusing on my garden is so much more enjoyable. And 911 is but a phone call away.