Comments, Photos and Misogyny

Living in the digital age is awesome! Pictures we take with our phones are saved in whatever cloud we’re connected to. We shop online daily. And social media dominates everything. On the one hand, connection is cool. It gives us all a chance to learn about and embrace individual differences. If we become snarky or hostile, we end up in Twitmo, or banned from Facebook. I think I was suspended from Twitter once, although I’m not actually sure. I was horrified. I immediately created another username similar to my jailed persona. I was on vacation. Panic ensued. I had no idea what I did wrong, or if I did anything wrong. But after that, I stopped engaging with the less liberal among us. It happened after a guy made a nasty comment to me in response to an article I posted from a news outlet. I didn’t even comment on it. The next thing I knew, I couldn’t log on. The same thing can happen on Facebook. Some folks I know, a business actually, were recently suspended from Facebook. Someone complained and both their pages were removed. They were only trying to protect their name and the lawyers will be able to buy a summer home before all is said an done if they end up going that route to deal with it. It seems social media doesn’t care if complainers are also liars.

Celebrities are dealing with a hacker that hacked into Apple’s cloud system somehow. They’re calling it targeted hacking. Lovely. When we take pictures with our phones, they’re saved forever, so don’t take nude pictures. Ever. How anyone doesn’t know this is amazing. Take garden shots. No one will want them. Or pictures of snakes and bugs. Or stuff you’re doing..just not if you’re doing it in the nude. Some are calling this a form of sexual assault. Even if a judge decides it’s not, it’s intrusive.

Another issue that’s in the media these days surrounds catcalls, comments and unwanted touching. Senator Kirsten Gillibrand indicated recently that she had experienced these things from a handful of colleagues. She didn’t name names, so right away, folks didn’t believe her. But it’s her story, and she can tell it any way she wants. The last thing she needs now is other women judging her. She’d like to be re-elected I’m sure and naming names might put the focus on something other than her legislative record.

Although this behavior is typically unwanted by women, some men think we actually like this crap. We wear a new outfit, or have our hair done, we get comments that aren’t necessarily flattering. If we respond negatively, the next thing guys want to know is why we can’t take a compliment, followed by what’s wrong with us. Clearly it’s viewed as our problem. If we lose weight or begin an exercise program, we have to listen to all kinds of ridiculous comments come out of the most unlikely of mouths. Senator Gillibrand stated she experienced this while losing some baby weight. A colleague even physically touched her stomach no less while telling her not to lose too much weight. Colleague or not, he’d have drawn back a bloody stump if that had been me. I retained a bunch of fluid during the worst years of my illness, making that illness far worse than it probably ever would have been, and when cannabis made that go away within a couple of months, you’d think my sole reason for getting well was to get attention from men. No one respected my privacy, which I needed the most.

One guy made unwanted comments every time I saw him. It was sexual harassment in the workplace, but that didn’t phase him. He even brought his friends along one day. He’d point at me, say whatever creepy nonsense he wanted to say, and they’d actually stand there, creepy smiles all around, and stare at me. I felt scrutinized and so disrespected and wanted so much to wipe the smiles right off of their faces. Of course, none of this happened while my husband was present. Never then, when they’d have to look him in the eye. When he wasn’t in the room, they’d get quiet and personal, either following me into another room or standing where they were, saying things I NEVER wanted to hear from any of them. It was sickening and pathetic. Their need to intrude made any business relationship with them uncomfortable at least, impossible at most. When we ended the business, my first thought was that I wouldn’t have to deal with that anymore. An odd bright spot during a difficult time.

Here’s the thing. When men don’t respect boundaries, it’s beyond upsetting. And it doesn’t matter if it’s minor or not. Crossing a line is just that..crossing a line. Whatever they’re trying to accomplish goes down in flames, even if they’re too clueless to realize it. In my case, this crap happened in a business that I owned. When a woman’s income is tied to men making comments like these, it can be difficult to know what to do in that moment. If you let it go, then it enables it the next time. If you don’t, you lose a customer.

And the other thing? Men who do this depend on a woman’s reluctance to confront them. They’re not innocent, no matter what they say. They know exactly what they’re doing. They act innocent if we respond in a way they don’t like and then turn the tables on us, laying the guilt we’re now supposed to feel at our feet. I read today that a woman in my state is suing her employer for not paying her overtime. He also used to come up behind her and just stand there, saying nothing. She’d discover he was there eventually, but she found it unnerving and the lawsuit is going forward. As it should.

Sexual harassment comes in all forms, both covert and overt. Men know better. But some simply don’t care. They feel entitled. However, that day is ending. Women are standing up. We’re speaking out. And we’re saying, no more. Consider for a moment the implications of an elected female Senator dealing with unwanted comments and touching from a Senate colleague, let alone several of them. I realize we have a dysfunctional Congress, but to put his hands on her and make inappropriate comments about her weight? At some point, lawmaker needs to stop being synonymous with bottom feeder.

Misogyny is a disgusting choice. Make a better one.