I Believe You

Once again, a powerful man who uses that power to violate women is in the news. We’ve all idolized this guy forever. I grew up feeling that way about him. As a survivor, however, I’m no longer surprised when I hear reports like this one. And inevitably, it surrounds someone’s behavior that reeks of entitlement.

Entitlement is insidious. Preferring one’s will over another’s is seductive and self-reinforcing. Those who engage in it love the power it gives them. It clearly works for them, until it doesn’t. That’s what the famous guy we’re hearing about again in the news is experiencing now. And what does he do? He hides, and does it in the most pathetic way possible. Typical. My abuser behaved the same way. Maybe they all do. It’s the proverbial Emperor with no clothes. While this man may never serve the prison time he so richly deserves, the court of public opinion will ultimately show him no mercy.

Of course, if the women who previously came forward had been believed, this could have been dealt with sooner. But as with other men in positions of power, justice is continually delayed, if not denied entirely. Fear prevents so many of us from telling what happened until our abusers have died. At least now people know who this guy is and what he’s done. Because I can tell you honestly, watching your abuser go on with his life, with no consequences, is heartbreaking and only contributes to the survivor’s silence. In my own case, my father had numerous wives over the years after my mother divorced him, as well as two prior to their marriage, so it was clear from my standpoint that any woman in his life was only a means to an end. In his obituary, his current wife listed her children as part of his surviving children, although they had only been married less than ten years, and did so in their seventies. As I was forced to cut off contact with him years before they met, I don’t know these people, but having never met my so-called “siblings”, it was odd reading the obituary listing them as his children. I had to laugh because all I could think was, careful what you wish for.

My heart goes out to these women. I know them, even though we’ve never met. There’s a resonance that can’t be denied. Just as there is with an abuser. It’s almost as if they give off an odor. It’s actually their energy which vibrates oddly. Something doesn’t quite click with them. There seems to be a disconnect between how they engage outwardly and the energy that stays with them. They make you second guess your inner voice because their outward appearance seems to negate that nagging feeling you get when you’re around them. But if we’ve learned anything from these men in power, we can’t afford to ignore that inner voice that tells us something is wrong. As horrific as it feels, we must allow for the space to believe it. Because this is what grooming behavior does. It makes us not believe what’s happening right in front of us.

When the abuse happens early in life, we carry the notion throughout our lives that no one will ever believe us about anything. I’ve chosen so many times to not speak up when I’m in a situation in which I feel compromised. Like other survivors, I find all sorts of excuses for not doing so, choosing fear over standing up for myself. Because that’s the worst feeling. We talk ourselves into saying nothing, giving our own dignity away, rather than risk another’s disbelief.

When our power is taken from us in such a personal way, it becomes far too easy to hand it over to someone else, again and again. Because sexual abuse in any form is an uncomfortable topic, not everyone wants to know it even happened, let alone discuss it openly. The problem is, the abuser depends upon our collective silence so that he/she can continue the behavior with impunity. In the case of the famous guy, he cultivated his appearance to the world as a good guy, a family man..a man who could be trusted to educate our children. That’s no small feat. It depended upon all of us to believe that projection, making us unknowingly complicit on the grandest of scales. Oh, not that we should feel responsible at all, because the abuser also depends upon spreading around the blame for his behavior, lessening its impact on him or her. It’s the “you let me get away with it” attitude. What a thrill it must have been for him to stand back and watch that carefully crafted image protect him while he ran roughshod over these women and manipulated the public who respected, if not adored him.

A member of Congress came forward about sexual harassment from other members recently, and the nasty comments were everywhere. Her boundaries were violated by fellow lawmakers, but it was easier to dump on her than to take her seriously. Then the video came out showing a woman walking around Manhattan, receiving dozens of catcalls, and being followed by several men who ignored all sense of decorum and boundaries, making intrusive and sometimes unnerving comments to this woman. It was amazing to watch. But it’s all tied together I think. While not the same thing as rape or sexual abuse, it all falls along the same continuum of disrespect toward others born from a sense of entitlement an individual feels. He or she feels entitled to behave as they do. Brash and arrogant though it may be, it never bothers them that lives can be destroyed by their behavior.

Sexual abuse of any kind destroys a person’s sense of self. Maybe not forever, but a person is forever changed by the experience. Survivors should be surrounded with love, compassion and unending support, beginning with the words, I believe you. No strings attached.

I believe you. Three words that can bring dignity back. Three words that bring healing. Three powerful, necessary words that can change everything.